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Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Fiberal: Lesson from Modi bashing

This article is dedicated to the average self-styled ' Indian Liberal Intellectual', who is, unfortunately, neither liberal, nor intellectual, nor Indian!
This election campaign would not have been successful without your especially virulent outpourings!
How to project yourself as a 'liberal intellectual' in ten easy steps!
1) Every time you come across a post that has the words 'Hindu' or ‘Hindutva' in it, describe the post as 'vile and disgusting’, regardless of the actual context. Express your hatred for Hinduism constantly and diligently, in ways that can be subtle or obvious depending upon the context. However, do not forget to mention in the same breath that you 'respect' Hindus.
2) Always mention 'Gujarat 2002' in any discussion. Even if the topic of discussion is about the reproductive habits of the primates of upper Congo! Remember the golden rule. All communal riots are equal, but Gujarat riots are more equal than others!


3) Write about Modi in any medium you can find. Make liberal use of words like 'vile monster', 'butcher', 'autocrat' 'kristalnacht' and '1933'. Attend anti-Modi seminars at the India International Centre and talk passionately about ‘malnutrition in Gujarat's children as you stuff yourself with a laden plate of canap├ęs and a glass of free champagne.
4) Occasionally, throw a scrap of carefully constructed praise at the 'secular Hindus' and pander to their egos. This is very essential if you want to present yourself as a 'liberal humanist'. Say things like ' India is secular because of the secular Hindus'.
5) Learn to do nimble spiritual somersaults depending upon the subject being discussed. Sometimes, you might refer to yourself as an atheist, sometimes as an agnostic, but always mention that you are 'spiritual, not religious' - whatever that means! And when you are speaking in Hindi, always refer to God as 'Khuda', never as 'Bhagwan' or 'Ishwar'.
6) Always shout from the rooftops that you are free from all caste prejudices, but never omit to mention the C word when needed. Carefully used, it can be an invaluable tool in a debate. It is a wonderful divisive technique that can be used again and again to drive a wedge among the Hindus.
7) Make selective, controversial postings about army atrocities in Kashmir and weep buckets over the ‘oppressed Kashmiri youth’. But remember, make NO mention of of the plight of the Kashmiri Pandits. Ever!
8) When all else fails, throw the term ' fascist RSS supporter' at your opponent's face. You need not worry about the veracity of the charge, if you throw the term enough times at someone, chances are, it will stick. It is the Kejriwal principle. If even that fails, call them 'Ambani, Adani, Tata, Birla, Bajaj agents'.
9) Invest in a suitable wardrobe. If you are a man, fashoinably crumpled fabindia Kurtas are a must. A french beard is very helpful. It establishes your 'intellectual' credentials automatically, even if your IQ can barely crawl to double digits.
If you are a woman, you need to wear cotton handloom saris in earthy tones with mismatched ugly granny blouses. Also, wear a bindi the size of a soup bowl and drown your eyes in copious amount of kohl. The aim is to look like a slightly demented raccoon. It helps if your hair is liberally streaked with grey.
10) When you find yourself unable to argue logically, and eventually, you WILL come to that point in almost every argument, announce loftily that you cannot talk with 'rabid Internet Hindus' because your fragile liberal humanist soul is unable to deal with the pain of their 'communal comments'.
- Shefali Vaidya

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